Then, a few years back, 2 incidents happened. To two of my very good friends. And the way their families ‘handled’ it has been a study in diametric opposites.
One of my friends is a younger daughter of a very well to do scientist in a prestigious establishment and she herself is an engineer. Her parents are like mine, and have always treated their daughters like friends. You could not find one moment in their upbringing where you could think they regret not having a son. She was free to do what she wanted and they only started ‘looking’ for a suitable boy to get her married only when she was finally ready and said yes. She got married to this guy who was working in the US and his family was back home in India. Post marriage she was at her in-laws‘ place for a few months until she got her visa and left to join her husband in the states. While she was in India I chatted with her a few times and I remember she telling me her in laws were like friends and treated her very well. I was happy for her. Then one day, my dad called me and asked me to talk to her and find out ‘what is going on’. He then told me that she was always crying when she talked to her parents during the weekly call home. Always wanting to come back home. Her parents thought it was because she was in an alien land for the first time, and was a housewife so missed her husband all day! Little did they know that he had her under a ‘house arrest’. She was not allowed to go out, did not have a license to drive, her passport was locked up by him, she was given money only enough to do groceries, not allowed to call home when she wanted and did not have a computer while he was at work. He also taunted her and her parents because she could not cook very well (threw the plate on her face once). He did not beat her ever but this was enough to make her life a living hell. This was domestic violence she was facing. The last I heard, her parents talked to her husband and coaxed her to stay on and try to change him.
Another story is that of my dad’s good friend’s daughter, who is also my very good friend. She comes from a very simple middle class family, father, mother and younger brother, living in a small flat in Mumbai. She is also an engineer and worked for a few years before the marriage bug bit the parents. They found a suitable boy in the form of this son of rich gujju parents. He also was working in the US and came to India to meet her once. The next time he went was to get married. Cut to 2 years later, I get a call from my dad saying he is in Mumbai at his friends’ place and they are trying to get a visa to the US URGENTLY. The reason? Their daughter was being beat up everyday by her husband, AND he was having a much too intimate a relationship with a female colleague of his. My friend was under ‘house arrest’, was on a dependent visa and had nowhere else to go. Her parents and brother swiftly managed to get their visas to the US and joined her soon. The first thing they did was to contact a south-asianwomen’s domestic violence cell and got a restraining order against her husband. They then started proceedings for legal separation. Meanwhile, thewomen’s cell also managed to get her a special work visa and a job. In a few weeks she was divorced and earning her own living. Her family went back after a couple of months. Now she lives independently and is much happier than she was when she was married. Her family visits her whenever they can.
Two similar stories, but the way they were handled was drastically different. Both victims of domestic violence. One still trying to make her husband see sense, the other, moved on in life. Both were independent women who were treated badly by men from ‘decent’ families. I don’t know what is the ‘right’ thing to do in these cases but I strongly believe in one thing. A man who, regularly or intermittently beats his wife never changes his ways. A man who, regularly or intermittently, causes mental trauma to his wife never changes his ways. A man who does not respect his wife will never see any reason to change his ways. It works in movies, where a good Samaritan gives the bad guy a lecture about women and wife etc and the husband changes his ways and becomes good. It does not work like that in real life. Some women move on, others keep struggling all their lives. The cycle of violence, apologies, more violence, never ends. And do not think it happens only to women who are not educated or aware of their rights. It can happen to anyone.
Update:
I don’t know what is the ‘right’ thing to do in these cases….
I was contradicting myself here. I KNOW what the right thing to do is. And that is to walk out.
shilpadesh
It is heart-breaking to rad stories like this. But the sad reality is that it happens all around us.
And as you said, the right thing to do is walk out. And that can happen only when the girls and their parents are brave enough to take that step.
Many people from lower middle class families do not support or do not have the means to feed a additional mouth when the daughter comes back. I have it here .http://thevampirespeaks.wordpress.com/2011/09/13/silent-tears/
I agree that abuser never changes in the relationship… it is best to walk out in such relationships…I know given typical orthodox Indian mindset, it is a lot difficult for a women to end a marriage but it’s the only way out for peace and happiness…
I cannot imagine what they would have gone through..but in US there is lot of help available for domestic violence victims, I just wish they would have used it sooner….
I agree Shilpa, walking out is the right thing to do.
If parents start supporting their daughters the situation would improve considerably, but most parents (and even most victims), don’t take domestic violence seriously, unless there is physical violence and even then they suggest one last effort to make it work
I feel we should have media campaigns explaining the cycle of violence, how to recognize abuse and how to help and support victims etc. Until I started blogging I used to say, “The first time you are a victim, after that you are a volunteer.” :\
[...] the education or support from family to walk out on their husbands and come back up on their feet. Read the full post here GA_googleAddAttr("AdOpt", "1"); GA_googleAddAttr("Origin", "other"); [...]
The problem is that some parents are so keen on ‘settling’ their daughter that they are ready to make any ‘sacrifices’ to achieve that goal. It is not that they love their daughter any less, just that their perspective is different, which in certain cases leads to the disaster.
Thanks for sharing these two stories, Shilpa. It certainly gives food for thought..
I think domestic violence is not restricted to a particular class or clan. It is the outcome of a mind set that goads men to abuse their wives in most cases and/or their daughters, mothers sisters etc. on rarer occasions. This is probably due to the inferiority complex they suffer from and the need to establish their physical superiority where their mental, cultural superiority cannot be established.
They need to be counseled but in a few cases I know of, the wife who is at the receiving end is willing to go for counseling but her husband who is the abuser does not want to go. Like the alcoholic, domestic abusers cannot benefit by counseling or treatment unless there is a willingness to mend their ways.
That said, the victim does not have to remain married take his beatings in her stride and wait for him to mend his ways. She can divorce him and yet be a good friend and suggest names of counselors and psychiatrists who can be approached. That way she would be spared of the physical/mental torture.
I do think that awareness is required. People outside of violent relationships often do not realise why the victim does not leave. This phenomenon is not only cultural, I have seen loads of Oprah Winfrey shows (back when I was young and impressionable) where American woman talk about their violent relationships, they cannot leave despite having stable jobs.
It becomes psychological. On one of the posts on VAW awareness I read that being slapped on the face was humiliating, there is something primitive about it.. I so totally get that.
They are also emotionally beaten and lose the will to fight. This need to be recognised to get out of it.
Like I said on IHM’s post, violent relationships could become a pattern in a woman’s life if she does not pay attention or get help.
I agree that abusive men don’t change. They need professional help. Beating a partner is not just about being an MCP. It is more profound, it is a maladaptive thought process.
Thanks for the post. I am inspired to write one on my own
I thought I left a comment here earlier but I see I haven’t. What I wanted to say was, I agree with you on this: “A man who, regularly or intermittently beats his wife never changes his ways.”
There is a world of difference between one fight that got out of control and a set pattern of abuse. We need to be able to recognise that.
And if someone gets angry enough to be able to hit his wife, he needs help to get his rage under control.