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Archive for the ‘Humour.’ Category

BABY KNOWS!

How the hell do these babies know who is holding them, cuddling them(or not cuddling them) when they are fast asleep? BabyN sleeps in his own crib but some mornings when it is too cold or he suddenly wakes up, he is brought to our bed to cuddle with mommy and daddy. Well, he promptly pushes away dad’s arm even if it so much as touches him. He turns towards mommy, his bum in daddy’s face and hugs me and sleeps. I have to leave for work at 6:30, so need to get up by 5:30am and get ready. Extricating myself from BabyN while not disturbing his sleep is a task I am still to master. It will take the best efforts of the best Olympian gymnasts to accomplish this task. More often than not BabyN wakes up, sits up and says Hi! There goes our morning!

The other night he was sleeping with us, but was uneasy because he had a cold and was struggling to find a good position. He rolled over to daddy’s side, went along the edge of the bed, fell down, said “UhOh” and came back up on the bed and fell asleep! I have a funny baby!

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Food network ramblings

I wonder if the food network chefs ever taste their own food? Or if they do, if they really like it.

Take for example Sandra Lee. In her show, Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee, Sandra once made a Broccoli pie, where she basically boiled some Broccoli, arranged it in a dish, and put some ranch dressing on it like you would do on a pie. And she did not even bother to taste it. This is what it looked like(Oh, and she decorated it with cherry tomatoes):

Or take Paula Deen. She made this Oyster Shooters. She poached/fried oysters in butter(4 pounds of butter), then she cut up the oyster and put them in shot glasses, poured a couple of tablespoons of melted butter in each glass and drank it up! YUCK YUKKITY YUCK is what I felt. And YUCK YUKKITY YUCK is what her face looked like, but her mouth said “it is so good y’all”!

Next up we have Giada. First of all, this is what she told the interviewer in the February issue of the Redbook magazine:

All men want to be treated like kings in a relationship, and I think if women don’t indulge that sometimes, their men are likely to stray and look for someone who can give that to them.

My first feelings were of anger (WTH is she saying), then I went from anger to mere acceptance of the fact that there are people who will spout nonsense and I will do well to ignore them. So aside from this mention, I shall not say much about her comment. Her food is decent but she looks like she NEVER eats her own food. And have you seen what she wears? It seems like food network focuses more on the region between her head and her waist than what she cooks. Oh, well!

Oh Ina, Ina Ina! Ina Garten has an interesting background. She was a Whitehouse nuclear policy analyst for Gerald Ford and Jimmy Carter, eventually giving up her high stress career to one of a celebrity chef and entertainer in the Hamptons. So her shows feature her making breakfasts and lunches and dinners for her friends. I normally like her food. It is clean and looks tasty. What irks me is her language. She keeps saying use “good olive oil”, “good vanilla”, etc. By good, I think she means $100.00 an ounce! And then there is her trademark phrase – “How easy is that?” or “If you don’t grow your own blah blah, store-bought is fine!”. Oh, well Ina, if we had access to the awesome multi-million dollar gadgets and “good” products that you do, sure it is easy! All there irks aside, I do quite like her. But for fun, this picture from foodnetworkhumor.com sums up some of the best bits of her shows.

Then we have the Neelys. The less said about them the better. They are too busy trying to make up sexual innuendos to cook a decent meal. Sample this:Big mama, fat daddy, gimme your pork chops big daddy, etc. Enough said!

Talk about Rachael Ray. I used to love her, until she started over-doing her making up of words/phrases. Like EVOO, Stoup, Spoonula, Sammie, eyeball-it, yumm-oo, delish and then the most annoying mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm! I still love her food though, looks easy, and most times, pretty tasty, and her show is intense!

Last but not the least, Guy Fieri. How does this guy’s hair not catch on fire, given that he puts on loads of hair spray? And what is with the sunglasses at the back of his head, does his chota brain need to be shielded from the light? One look at him, and tell me if you would eat his food:

So is there anyone on the food network I really loooove? Oh yeah, Alton Brown! Have a look at an episode of Good Eats if you get a chance and see how simple his shows are and how delicious the food looks. His shows ooze food-telligence, deep knowledge of food and no big words or big gadgets to hold you back. The best part is that the man eats his own food 🙂 Oh, and that he is good-looking is only a plus!

 

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Jealous kara ja?

Are any of you watching the latest season of Jhalak Dikhla jaa? Don’t you think the point of the whole season is to make us lesser mortals(women) feel horrible about our bodies? What then is the point of having a stunningly beautiful 43-year-old mother of two and a my-body-never-reveals-my-age 37-year-old mother of one, be judges on the show, and having them dance every other episode?

I mean, HAVE YOU SEEN MADHURI AND MALAIKA ON THE SHOW?

The season opener where they showed a clip of 43-year-old Madhuri dancing to her old tunes made me go and take an hour-long walk to burn my heavy dinner off(not that the walk would help). It is not just about how fit and pretty she still is, her thumkas and matkas haven’t diminished one bit, neither has her dazzling smile faded. Everytime I see her, my heart warms at how beautiful yet simple she is, and at the same time I am green with envy. If I even looked 10% as good as she does, now, I wouldn’t be writing this post.

And what chakki ka atta does Malaika eat(or does not eat)? Granted she must have loads of time on her hands to burn her fat off, and the woman dresses more in your face sexy than most of us can tolerate, but I have to give it to her that her body has not changed much from her MTV VJing days(ok maybe she got 2 crow’s feet and 2-3 wrinkles…..).

Someone just bury the man/woman who came up with this brilliant idea of having these women show up week after week, to get us to feel like slobs. Past seasons of Jhalak always compensated for the one stunning judge by throwing in a Farah Khan or a Saroj Khan, but this time they HAD to do this to us!

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I was reading this post by Chinkurli and it hit a nerve.

How do you like your parents being on Facebook? And in your friends’ list?

Scene 1: Your mom calls you at night, your time.

Mom: Hey dear how are you today?

You: Hi ma, I am fine…….I saw that you have a new Facebook profile now! Wow great job!

Mom: Yeah all my friends were pestering me to start one. I was looking at your friends list. Is K the one who used to live in our colony, then they moved to Delhi when she was 10?

You: Yeah you remember her then? Hasn’t she changed a lot?

Mom: Yes looks more ‘posh’. She used to run around in chaddi when she was 5…haha

You: Ugh mom every child does that at some point!

Mom: yes yes true …haha

The next morning you login to Facebook and HORROR OF HORRORS there is a post on K’s wall from your mom:

Hello K this is R aunty. How are you? My god you have changed a lot. You used to be a wee little girl running around in the colony in your chaddi when you were little. Please pass my regards to your parents.

Another day another social media story.

Your dad adds you as a friend and you, after a lot of deliberation, accept his request(after almost pressing ignore). One day you post what you think is a very witty post on your wall. Only, your dad knows you in and out, and totally outs you in comments!

Your whole online life is then spent weighing your words so carefully that you barely interact with friends anymore.

One of my friend’s dads posted on her wall asking her if she still runs up huge credit card bills like she used to when she was younger! Poor girl could do absolutely nothing! Another had his mom asking him about an ex-girlfriend, someone who still was in his friends list, if he was trying to get back with her, etc.

Parents should have a separate circle on social media, and that circle should not be allowed to interact with anyone from your generation. That is the only way to live your online life without being scared of your secrets being out all the time! What do you say?

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What did you just do?

We were at a popular mexican restaurant, enjoying our food, when I observed the guy from a table across the room poke the fork on his table into his shirt and scratch his back with it. I cringed but assumed he would ask for a new one when he gets his food. And what do you think happened when his food arrived? Yeah! He dug into it with the same khujli-wala fork! Eeks, people, do make sure to rinse your cutlery the next time you go to a restaurant.

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Poll please!

We have a family reunion and friends reunion(2 separate events) coming up in a few days and I look like a giant bear, all hairy and unkempt. At this point I look like I can give Kroor Singh a run for his money when it comes to the shabby-brow look, my face hasn’t seen a hint of care for ages now, my nails are like an ogre’s, dirty and faded, and my fingers and toes could use a nice scrubbing with sand paper. But I only have two evenings in which to accomplish everything, and a ton of laziness to stop me from doing so. On one hand, I know my friends and cousins really know me well enough to not get shocked by my appearance, on the other, I, for once, want to be this svelte and polished woman who takes care of herself(loud guffaws). So, dear readers, I am doing what any self-respecting blogger would do. Poll all of you.

So tell me, should this blogger shed her laziness and visit the beauty parlor this evening to make herself presentable, or would she be better off lazing on the couch, watching Friends?

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Superstitions.

I have always been wary of admitting that I am superstitious. For one, I don’t want people to assume I am some bygone era fossil who has lived past its due date. And two, revealing my superstitions is like baring my soul out in public. And who wants to do that?

I like tracking the superstitions of famous people. A famous cricketer always wore his right socks first, another always put his left leg first on the pitch, while another walks a little towards the opposite wicket before going back to take his stance to face the ball. One famous up and coming tennis star bounces the ball 21 times before flinging it up in the air to serve, while another popular female tennis star always touches her hair before a serve!

My superstitions, though on a  much smaller scale, and for motives much less grander than winning championships, have stuck with me most of my life. Of course I have that one lucky dress that I never let go, until I find another one to replace it. mind you, the one that should replace the old lucky dress needs to pass strict quality(read luck) control procedures before being inducted. I used to have a grey salwar kameez with black chiffon dupatta that I used to wear for every examination in my undergrad. So much so that one of my friends threatened to burn it if I wore it in her presence again. Needless to say I barely scraped through the next set of examinations! Now I have one particular dress that has NEVER let me down(well maybe once, but we shall overlook that). It tore a little bit last week and I deigned to get my stitching kit out and haphazardly mended it and now it is as good as new(well, as good as mended).

Once when I was about 7/8 we went to a wedding, and I ate poori and promptly fell sick. In the 20 years that followed I must have had poori 5 times, not more. And every time I eat one I fall mildly sick! People think it is all in my head, but I swear the poori makes me sick!

Whenever I climb stairs I make it a point to pace my steps such that my last step always ends on the right foot. Otherwise the reason I am climbing stairs for does not see fruition.

The only other person I know who believes in her superstitions as strongly as I do is my little sister. Her one and ONLY superstition is Best of Luck. Somehow Best of Luck has never worked in her favor so she specifically asks she be wished Goodluck instead. Best of Luck ‘halves’ the luck, according to her. Hey, it is her superstition, so I am not going to judge, since I have my fair(more than fair) share of absurd things I do to keep my mind at peace!

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